An open letter to journal reviewers

This time I'm not going to write about video games, not even sociology (at least not in a specific sense). I'm in angry sociologist mode and I would like to address my complains to all those journal reviewers/referees out there, including myself. You know, those people who, taking advantage of the blind review process - let me hold my laughter for a moment, become the jury, judge and - if it comes to that - executioner of your paper. It's going to be brief and I'll keep it simple. Here I go:

• Journals usually don't let you submit articles containing more than 8000 words (some ask you for less, others might let you add a few more words). Keep that in mind when you are reviewing the text: it's an article, not a fucking PhD!
• Remember that you are discussing the content of the article, not the works of the people who are cited in it. If you have a problem with them, go and tell them directly, don't use me as a scapegoat!
• Suggest whatever you want to suggest but don't fucking patronise me. I'm a doctor! And if I weren't one, well, I wouldn't like to be patronised either!
• Reviews are intended for evaluation purposes, it's not an excuse to show the world how much you know about the subject. Look for your own damn audiences!
• The amount of articles published in high impact factor journals  that are cited in the paper is NOT indicative of its quality. It's NOT that simple!
• Don't you like the article? That's fair. Can you just reject the article politely and provide academic reasons that are exclusively related to the article? Even if you think the text is complete rubbish, you don't need to behave as a pretentious plonker. If not nice, be at least professional!

The rant stops here. Only temporarily. One last thing: if after reading this, you keep playing the idiotic reviewer role, here's what I have for you, courtesy of Phil Fish:

My English is not poor, it's just broken

I am not a native English speaker. That's obvious. My English is not as good as I would like to, even if I posses a certificate from Cambridge that, oh surprise, certifies my proficiency in English. I admit that following my thoughts might be sometimes difficult. Actually, that also happens when I speak or write in Spanish. Not big deal, then. But let's be clear: YOU are the native English speaker. So, apart from some possible meaning misunderstanding and grammar mistakes, you should be in the position of following my ideas without major difficulties. Come on, it's YOUR language, not mine. You are lucky your language is the real esperanto. Fate, along with a former solid empire, has given you an incredible advantage. Take it. Enjoy it. Don't be an ass about it.

I have to admit that most of English speakers, especially the Brits, are very polite and comprehending when it comes to dealing with non-native speakers. Probably more than Spanish speakers when they have to deal with foreigners trying to speak their language. And far far far more than the French (or the Parisiens to be precise). No offence, guys. One of the main issues with English is its complex group of sounds (all those vowels and so) and I imagine that sometimes can be very difficult to understand a non-native English speaker (or someone from Newcastle and places like that). However, we are talking about written English. I know: we are not talking at all. Moreover, there's no 'we' but 'me'. But you get my point. It is written English and, spelling problems aside, it should be easier to understand. 

By the way, I do write very good English. It's only a different, avant-garde and innovative style. I even have a name for it: broken prose. So, if you think my prose is flawed, you are right. It is flawed in the same way the sound of a vinyl is. If you think my prose is imprecise, you are right again. It is imprecise in the same way an impressionist painting is. A beautifully discontinuous and kaleidoscopic prose. 

That's it, my English is not poor it's just broken. I'm so proud of it that, in the future, I will write The Broken Prose Manifesto. Be patient and keep track of these (broken) lines. You will be immensely rewarded.